What is up with me?What do I really want?What is the meaning of this?I think it's established already that all of us have very different make ups and natures and whatnot,so okay,it's understandable why one should feel out of place once in a while.But boundaries need to be established.After all,even the notion of the existence of doppelgangers is kindly entertained today.We're not all that alone if there are two other people who look exactly like us out there just waiting for us to turn that corner so we can freak each other out.But caught in this never ending war of wanting to fit in and stand out,in the end when you're in your bed too tired to stay awake yet having too many unanswered questions to really sleep,in that moment when you can hear your heart beating and your breath singing in your ears,in that recurring fragment of your long long life,aren't you simply and truly just alone?And then do all those questions come tumbling out.What is up with me?Why did I just yell at my mother today when I wanted to actually be nice?Why did I not call that old friend who has always been there for me back?Why was I nice to that horrible girl from class who I know only pretends to be sweet and then talks nasty things about me behind my back?Why can I not admit to liking that guy I clearly like and enjoy the feeling of liking someone like other people?
That's just who you are,you might be told.You can't change some things about yourself,you might be informed.But really,does anything about yourself ever feel set in stone to you?Outside of that awkward wooden doll body,you are a river and an ocean.You are entire green valleys and pure blue skies and you feel like in a moment,you can turn from stone to gold and back to stone again.Is that feeling a dream,or does your time in the cage make it seem like one?If it's true then this body doesn't define you.What defines you then?Are you defined by your ambition?Your dreams of the future and the precious,perfect person you envision yourself becoming?If I say I don't have an ambition,that beyond a certain point in my life,maybe a few years from now,maybe day after tomorrow,I have no idea what to do,then how am I defined?Are you defined by your beliefs?The things you love,the people you protect,the life you've lived till now?Do you need to be defined at all?If you love too little you're heartless,if you love too much you're insincere.What is this perfect amount of love you are expected to feel?What is this mould you're supposed to squeeze into?Do you even want this mould at all?It's a difficult question to answer,but luckily your eyes are starting to droop.You're drifting off,and tomorrow you can just grab that coffee and get busy again and forget you ever thought such thoughts.You can forget about the questions.You can pretend you're part of a bigger plan,a larger people.Those people in the cubicles around you are just like you,aren't they?Except in some circumstances when they suddenly conveniently aren't,but most of the times you're all the same,right?You can pretend stuff matters and you can pretend you're living.You can pretend as long as you want and you can pretend as much as you want.
You can pretend until night falls and you're in your bed too tired to stay awake yet having too many unanswered questions to really sleep,when you can hear your heart beating and your breath singing in your ears.You can pretend till then.
That's just who you are,you might be told.You can't change some things about yourself,you might be informed.But really,does anything about yourself ever feel set in stone to you?Outside of that awkward wooden doll body,you are a river and an ocean.You are entire green valleys and pure blue skies and you feel like in a moment,you can turn from stone to gold and back to stone again.Is that feeling a dream,or does your time in the cage make it seem like one?If it's true then this body doesn't define you.What defines you then?Are you defined by your ambition?Your dreams of the future and the precious,perfect person you envision yourself becoming?If I say I don't have an ambition,that beyond a certain point in my life,maybe a few years from now,maybe day after tomorrow,I have no idea what to do,then how am I defined?Are you defined by your beliefs?The things you love,the people you protect,the life you've lived till now?Do you need to be defined at all?If you love too little you're heartless,if you love too much you're insincere.What is this perfect amount of love you are expected to feel?What is this mould you're supposed to squeeze into?Do you even want this mould at all?It's a difficult question to answer,but luckily your eyes are starting to droop.You're drifting off,and tomorrow you can just grab that coffee and get busy again and forget you ever thought such thoughts.You can forget about the questions.You can pretend you're part of a bigger plan,a larger people.Those people in the cubicles around you are just like you,aren't they?Except in some circumstances when they suddenly conveniently aren't,but most of the times you're all the same,right?You can pretend stuff matters and you can pretend you're living.You can pretend as long as you want and you can pretend as much as you want.
You can pretend until night falls and you're in your bed too tired to stay awake yet having too many unanswered questions to really sleep,when you can hear your heart beating and your breath singing in your ears.You can pretend till then.
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